Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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