I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
