Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
