Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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