Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
