Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
