Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need a beard to bite.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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