i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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