so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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