"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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