My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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