the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
