I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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