I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
