i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
