Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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