Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
