I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
