I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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