Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
