You really coming over, don't trick.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
