tell your sister to shave her snatch
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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