how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
