Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
