First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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