Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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