You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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