at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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