Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
