she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
