have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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