The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
