my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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