Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
