i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
