Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
