While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
