Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
