Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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