I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
