one word: firstdatebathroomanal
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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