I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
