And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's shark week go big or go home
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
