my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
