Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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