You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
