you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
