Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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