dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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