I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
