He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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