Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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