My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize