What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
