i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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