probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.