I wish I could teleport
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together