So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
