If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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