I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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