i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
